Our Oak Glen, CA Tradition

Our nuclear family's tradition of going apple-picking at the orchards in Oak Glen, CA began in a very poignant way.  It was my birthday in 2006, and I had just begun my bout of acrophobia (fear of flying).  The feeling of being "stuck" was making me depressed, and I expressed to Mike how nice it would be to fly home to the Midwest and see the fall foliage to which I looked forward every year.  My dear husband, for my birthday, found this beautiful little town in the mountains called Oak Glen, where the foliage turns every year into a brilliant array up the mountain side.  He took me there for my birthday to go apple picking.  Since then, we have been back every year.

The apple harvest season is quite short: September to November (with only cooking apples left to pick toward the end of the season).  We make it a point to schedule it onto our calendars as soon as summer ends!  Vera was at Oak Glen last year, but in utero.  We picked raspberries (similar season) that year because it was a little easier for me.
This was her first year seeing the beautiful place!

Here is our little adventure in pictures and captions:

We stopped at Sno-Line first.  It's actually our favorite orchard, even though you can't pick any apples (well, you can, but it's $5 per apple, I've heard, bec/ they want to protect their trees).  They are the highest orchard altitude-wise and grow 36 varietals of apples.  There is a large country store where we stop and get gifts and donuts every year.  Mike looks forward to their homemade freshly made (in front of you!) mini-donuts every year!  Here is he with this bag of goodies...looking happy, no?

 

Vera and me happy to be up at Sno-Line.  This is after we got our shop on.  Vera got a handcrafted Raggedy Ann doll similar to the one that I had as a girl (but mine wasn't handmade!).  Mama & Papa bought some fresh apple raspberry cider to share and an apple-y Xmas ornament to add to our tree.

Next stop was Riley's original Farm.  We've never come to this one before.  It has a colonial theme.  The colonial-style main house houses a restaurant on the ground floor and the Riley family above.

We had lunch in the farmhouse.  I think the restaurant was called Hawk's Publick House?  We shared a plate of fried sausage and apples in cinnamon and a Scottish pot pie, the name of which I've forgotten.  All were novel and yummy!

Vera also partook of the cultinary fare.  Here is she sitting nicely (and briefly) with us in our booth.

We was wearing a shirt that I had coincidentally bought for her for $3 at Target a few weeks ago: "Cute to the Core."

After lunch, it was time to go apple picking!  Here we are on our first hay ride!

Vera LOVED the orchard!  I didn't know how much she would care, but she seemed so incredibly overjoyed to be up there!  Every time someone picked an apple and others fell to the ground, she laughed her little head off!  It was as if she was in her natural habitat or something.  It was such a blessing to watch her enjoy herself.

We're learning the ASL sign for "apple"!

See?  Happy!

Instead of taking the hayride back, we walked through the orchard, past the pumpkin patches and through the strawberry fields (pictured) to get back to the farmhouse.

We were tired and thirsty by then, so we chilled on the terrace for a bit.  Love chilling and talking with my husband.  V often wanted in on the conversation now as well and babbles and squeeks her own little tongue.

Family photo before heading home.  Can't wait 'til next year!

And that was our fun-filled day!  It wasn't so fun-filled when we got home and realized that the new camera which had arrived while we were gone didn't work.  Mike was frustrated by that.  I tend to think mistakes happen, things break and care more about maintaining as much equilibrium as possible.  Anyway, I made the following preemptive comment: "Oh, I'll just call the company tomorrow and ask them to send a new one.  You don't have to ruin our day over it."   That was what really ticked Mike off.  You see, he's aware that he tends to get frustrated over what one might call petty matters (although, it's of course understandable that one might been frustrated by this situation).  He was already doing his best to play it cool when I accused him of trying to sabotage our day.  We drove down to have pho with his parents in relative silence, until I figured it out from what Mike was saying and quickly apologized.  Marriage lesson #10,000,001:  Focus on positive reinforcement instead of negative (especially the preemptive kind) and, for goodness sakes, think before you speak!  Mike is very good-natured, and the rest of the evening was just awesome...even when Vera, w/o her diaper on, peed into my skirt and all over the bathroom floor before getting into the bathtub :)

 

 

Pictures from the LA Fair!

At the Dr. Bob's Pavilion ...turns out you have to BUY the 10 Best of Everything book from National Geographic and can't find it online...wonder if it's all a big business ploy then...but the ice cream WAS good!

 Baby kid!

V happy to be at her first fair

Zucchini Weini stand spotted...this is the culture to which I was referring in my written post...jk! :)

 My friends are hilarious for documenting this moment of sheer gluttony.  But come one, think about it...a hot dog...stuffed inside a zucchini...battered and fried like a corn dog...how can you get much more satisfaction than that? 

All three of us with Zucchini Weini's in  hand...V looks like she's been robbed.

 Trying chocolate bacon...it's actually covered with dark chocolate!

Impressions from the Weekend

This is not a blog posting.  This is an impression of a blog posting! (get it?  it's what the Salon said to the painters who became the Impressionists...ok, dork moment over)

Saturday...

Hosted condo community's Moms' Group at the Oak Canyon Nature Center, which is one of my favorite places to stroll and relax.  Only two moms, two husbands and two babies came out of our six or seven families.  However, one of the families was new to the community, and I really liked them!  I taught Infant and Child Heimlich & CPR, which Mike made sure I got right by reading the UpToDate EMS protocols and looking into American Pediatric Association guidelines.  And he's right; it's not easy to get right! 

  

This was my 13-hour shift with Vera, since Mike was on call at Long Beach Memorial in L&D again.  Sometimes I get really exhausted by myself with her toward the end of the day, but Praise God that I was really energized all the way through!  I really enjoyed mama-daughter time with her and felt the time fly.

Motherhood is exhausting in and of itself, but it's doubly exhausting with OCD.  In fact, it's documented that most OCD sufferers are uncomfortable being left alone with small children.  There is always that haunting sense of some deficiency or inadequacy or evil in yourself that could destroy everything you care about, and which creates so much anxiety.  The disorder then entices you to neutralize those feelings/thoughts by engaging in mental (and with some OCD sufferers, physical) compulsions.  This can sometimes occupy your thoughts for most of the day!  The insidious thing is that the more you try to "undo" and gain certainty, the more anxious you get about the situation, and the more the OCD cycles.  I am currently feeling hopeful that I am coming to a true understanding and handle of this issue.

For me, I say to myself, "everyone has strange thoughts.  your brain just does not have enough serotonin (and probably never will) to clear them away as quickly...it's just harder for your brain to look away from the trainwreck...so you have to help it."  Thought-stopping methods, cognitive behavioral thought records (where you record all the evidence against the alarming thought), and trying actively to expose yourself to the source of the thoughts aren't very helpful for me.  In fact, I have read since finding this out that they can be detrimental by encouraging more focus on the triggers.  This is what helps me:

1.  I try to loosen up a little and say to myself "This thought makes me uncomfortable which would not happen if I were who I am accusing myself to be.  I don't want to be uncomfortable my whole life.  I'm making a conscious decision to think about something else...something concrete that I am looking forward to (this is why OCD is difficult to deal with when compounded by depression)...some person who I love and a prayer that I have been meaning to say for them..." 

2.  NEVER let myself get hungry, or else the anxiety ramps up with triggers the cycle.

3.  When I'm tired toward the end of the day and struggle a little, actually remind myself that I am just overtired and catch a catnap when I can.

4.  Take loads of Omegas - really helps smooth things out!
5.  Long walks, nature, people!  (these are the things brought me back from the "ledge" during my pregnancy)

Easier said than done day in and day out, but I'm making real headway I believe.  The one thing that I have learned from this trial is that there is literally ALWAYS another "what if" in life.  The only antidote to the very human problem of anxiety (within which OCD is a disorder) is faith.  Many people with OCD are paralyzed by, "what if it's not OCD" or other insidious questions.  The key is to believe "we're just going to have to live with that possibility."  Although most people don't struggle with this issue, we all look for absolute certainty in some areas of our lives - a certainty that may never come.  In order to be at peace with ourselves and our world, we need to be able to say, "no matter what, it's going to be ok."  And the only way to believe that it's going to be ok is to know that "He has the world...you and me, sister...the tiny little baby in His hands " (I sing this song to V almost every day).  Thus, faith is a necessary ingredient to the human experience. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, so what did V and I do with the rest of our day?  We went shopping, of course!  We had tons of fun at Target.  Moneysavingmom.com has really helped me save and also live well!  In the end, I was really very happy with the number and quality of purchases I made for the amount of money I spent.  V got a new toy that leads her to manipulate knobs and keys and buttons in differents ways in order to get various animals to pop up...best part?  no batteries and annoying sounds!  She also bought three books: two in the Pookie series by Sandra Boynton (the mama pig is SO cool!) and Shake It Up Baby by Karen Katz, with babies of all different ethnicities dancing and playing music.  The rest of our buys were home necessities, but I treated myself to some cute hair clips :)  

Mike had a tough day...some very hard scenarios that he had to witness at the hospital.  I really appreciated that he wanted to decompress by talking about it.  I hope it helped him too (his coping skills usually involve distraction).

Sunday...

My week to teach Kindergarten Sunday School!  We had the Passover story.  There was a paper doorpost we colored, green paper bitter herbs, cotton balls for roast lamb, manila paper for matzo, musical instruments, singing and dancing with being freed.  I think I distracted them so much with the sights and sounds that when I asked them if they had questions about what God did, no one raised his hand (I would have been all over the teacher with questions!...but I may have told them that the little lamb went to heaven...)  For our craft, we made a suitcase out of a manila folder (I had cut a hole in the tab to resemble a suitcase handle).  We cut out clothes and toys to put inside the suitcase and stapled up the sides.  I had a GREAT time!

Had lunch with our dear friends, their darling little girls and the husband's brother at Wholesome Choice.  Love leisurely meals with amazing people.  

The rest of the day was spent at home having fun.  Made this concoction of turkey bacon layered on top of organic mac and cheese...layered on top of mashed potatoes...layered on top of sauteed spinach, mushrooms & garlic for dinner.  Mike liked it; he likes the crazy stuff I do...and it's a good thing because there is a lot of crazy!  When he tells me that he really likes something I make, I write it down in my recipe journal and place a star  "M" next to it :)

Mike has the day off tomorrow (not sure why they gave him Yom Kippur off...), so we're going to try and go apple picking in Oak Glen.  Can't wait to get pics of my pumpkin with the pumpkins!

What I Like About Vera

I love my daughter as a mother.  You know, that fierce kind of mama-bear love that's prepared to tear apart anything that would threaten her.  

I also really like her as a person.  Things I like about Vera:

1.  She's always ready to laugh at herself.  Case in point: She's screaming, and I start "play" screaming along with her.  After a few "AHHHH-pause-AHHHHH's," she busts up laughing and then develops the uncontrollable giggles.  The same thing happened this morning -- I should have written down what it was over.  She seems to realize when she's doing something silly and is prepared to leave behind any negative feelings and instead, laugh about it.

2.  She's courageous.  Who else would stick around for nine months of low thyroid hormone, severe stress and sadness?  Not only did she stick around, here's an ultrasound picture of her "kissing" the uterine wall, as if to say, "It's ok, Mama.  Everything's going to be ok."  

Now that she's out, she's shown herself to be equally fearless.  She cooed and smiled through the postpartum drama while all the strange and terrifying PP OCD thoughts swirled in my brain.  She didn't avoid me; she didn't get tense; she just kept cuddling as if to say, "I trust you, Mama.  I'm just glad to be here with you."


Now that she can crawl?  The edge of beds, blankets, couches don't faze her one bit; she just dives for that clock radio she has her eye on.   

If I weren't designed by nature to walk alongside her for as long as I can possibly muster, I would do it out of sheer gratitude.  She's amazing. 

3.  She loves to dance and sing (just like Mama!).  Any kind of waltzing or bogeying with her in our arms cheers her right up.  She doesn't mind when Mama whips out the operatic voice; in fact, she mimics it - and isn't half-bad at tone-matching.  Best of all, the lady has rhythm!


4. She loves food.  All food.  Any food that she can get her hands on...from anyone's plate.  She stares down wait staff at restaurants to bring her food.  Unexpected foods she's had and liked so far:  kalamata olive tapenade, roasted garlic (just whole cloves of it!), trout/tilapia/other types of whitefish, guacamole, curries...the only thing she's tried and refused thus far: hummus.

5.  She's very interested in books.  Examining and talking to the pictures, flipping the pages, banging her head against the cover, crumpling pages, gnawing the corners...any and all types of books...interested.

6.  She's SOCIAL.  At around 7 months, she started exhibiting signs of stranger anxiety.  Instead of immediately smiling at people like she used to, she would grimace and maybe even cry a little.  That lasted for about two weeks.  Then, instead of showing a negative reaction, she would scope them out by looking from me to the strangers...her expression became a half grimace, half smile.  After a few days of that, we're back to that brilliant, joyful, soul-filling smile!  Stranger anxiety just doesn't match her personality, I suppose.


I just wish I could get her to stop trying to interact with people in the cry room while they're attempting to hear our pastor preach the sermon!

7.  She is content with what she has.  Only parents can know the love that flows from a child.  ...To be typing away on my laptop and to turn my head and find her beaming at me from inside her playpen...to walk around our empty condo with her on my hip and look down to see her just so happy that she found her way into Mama's arms and is "taking a walk" with me.

I understand more fully why Jesus said that only such as these (meaning children) will inherit the kingdom of heaven.  She is not only my gift but an exhortation and an encouragement...a fun-filled adventure and a profound lesson wrapped into a single package, one that only God can create.


Other fun facts about Vera:
We believe that her name is a gift from God.  We were living in grad housing at UCI from 2004 to 2006 and had not even seriously considered starting a family yet.  Sometime within that period, I had a morning quiet time when the name "Vera" came into my mind.  It was stuck there the entire day at work.  At the end of the work day, I looked it up and found that it is the Latin root for "truth" (i.e. veritas) and Russian for "faith."  "What a nice name, "I thought at the time, "but I'm gonna have boys" (yes, I am really that naive sometimes).  I literally couldn't believe it when the ultrasound tech told us that our first child was a girl in 2008.  What better name for her than Vera!  (We pronouce is with an "eh" because we believe it sounds better, but either form would fit its meaning).  So if you ask me whether or not I named her after Vera Wang, I will know you didn't read my blog!

I Understand! (An Update to My Very First Post)

Some of you might be wondering what has happened since the first post, when I wrote about prenatal depression.  Well, to understand, let's go back.

Life of Luan...born in Shanghai...enjoyed a good early childhood (as early childhoods go)...immigrated to Chicago at age 6...became a Christian at 14...straight A student...Yale grad...married my college beau, also a solid Christian...moved to California...blissfully happy...

2004: Received a call from doc's office on Mike's birthday--toxic thyroid levels and elevated liver enzymes.  I remember thinking "this is not going to be good."  A month of blood tests, ultrasounds, xrays = Grave's Disease (own immune system revving up thyroid to a dangerous levels).

Allergic to thyroid suppressant drugs, so forced into radio iodine ablation (RAI)...docs afraid of thyroid storm/sudden death :(

2005 - Rollercoaster!  Hyper, hyper, hypo...hypo, really hypo, hyper.    Translates into panic attacks, panic attacks, depression, depression, panic attacks.  Lots of changing doses.  Felt like a yo-yo.  Thyroid levels sort of stablize in winter.

2006 - New job; fresh start.  In July, panic attack on a business flight due to new medication.  Became agoraphobic for almost a week! (never thought it would be me!).  Holter moniter, stress echocardiograms, more bloodwork etc.  Finally diagnosed with panic disorder.  Now scared to travel far from home.  It's a BIG issue for everyone.  Counseling & meds.

2008 - Still scared of flying but generally ok with traveling now.  Panic attacks have dissipated.  Find out that we're pregnant on May 7th!  Not feeling well, but hey, it's the first trimester.  At the very beginning of the second trimester, descend into severe, almost catatonic depression in the matter of one week.  Struggle with morbid obsessions.  Very strange because death/suicide/worse has not even crossed my mind since becoming a Christian.  Check myself into the psych ward.  Stay for four days.  Blood tests reveal issues were actually due to severe hypothyroidism (replacement hormone needs increases during pregnancy, and docs hadn't ramped up far enough).  Rest of pregnancy is SCARY.   Thank goodness for my family and for my God who hears our prayers!  Healthy baby Vera born after 1.5 hour  of non-medicated labor on Dec. 17th.  Very worthwhile end to a tough year.

2009 - Thyroid and mood monitored closely now.  Start having classic Postpartum onset OCD (how men think, I'm told haha).   I've probably had OCD all along.  Depression and panic attacks are probably only secondary/resulting states.  OCD itself is closely tied to thyroid.  Turns out, depressive/anxiety/OCD issues can persist even after severe hypothyroidism is rectified, especially in post-RAI patients.  It's well documented.  NOBODY TOLD ME! (one of my favorite expressions now)... but I'm telling you!  Thank God, severity and frequency have improved a hundred-fold after pregnancy!

Feeling sick? Feeling sad? Feeling crazy? Feeling scared?  I UNDERSTAND!  Have learned much about coping and living!  Will post lessons learned (mostly, the hard way) and tips in future!

My Birthday Card

I really love the birthday card that my mom sent me this year (bday isn't until Oct. but Mom will be in Asia then).  It says:

"For your birthday, I wish you the confidence to begin this year as you would open a gift, certain that it holds something special just for you."...Confidence and faith!  That what I need in spades!

"I wish you strong trust in yourself and faith in the future, the belief that you will make the right choices to bring you closer to the happiness you deserve."...In God's will! Sounds like a self-help book but people with OCD, like me, really need to hear and believe this

"I wish you friends to surround you in the circle of their caring and love, and people to help you laugh at life."...This has already come true.  I have been blessed with TONS of these people! Thank you!

"Most of all, I wish you could see the beautiful woman I see when I look at you -- the remarkable irreplaceable person who adds so much to so many lives."...WOW! Thanks, MOM!!!  That means so much coming from you!  You always know just what I need to hear.


I think these will be my birthday wishes and thoughts for all of you this year!   But really, I'll be praying these things for you...what good does it do to wish for things anyway if you don't ask the One who can provide?


Love you each!

Fall 2009 TV/Movie Picks

If I had as much free time as I could ever want and wouldn't feel guilty about spending it in front of the TV, these are the shows I'd watch this fall:

Mondays:
8:00pm How I Met Your Mother
8:30pm Accidentally On Purpose (sounds cute, haven't seen it yet)
9:30pm Big Bang Theory (love those geeks!)

Tuesday:
8:00pm NCIS (saw the new LA one this past week - just didn't have the same believability and chemistry as this cast)
9:00pm HawthRNe on TNT (go Jada!)
10:00pm The Good Wife (saw the debut this past week...very interesting issues raised, compelling characters...thumbs up!)

Wednesday
8:00pm Hank (like Kelsey Grammer as an actor...but haven't seen the show yet)
8:30pm The Middle (Patricia Heaton...but haven't seen the show yet)
9:00pm Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns
10:00pm Top Chef

Thursday
8:30pm Parks and Recreation (this might turn out to be a little too absurdist for my taste)
9:00pm The Office
9:30pm 30 Rock (when it starts - my favorite show! the title of this blog is a Liz Lemmon quote!)

Friday
8:00pm Supernanny
9:00pm Stargate Universe (I'm sure I'll be test-driving this show with Mike :)

Saturday
With this schedule, I would need a black out day!

Sunday
8:00pm The Amazing Race - heard on the radio that it has been running for 15 seasons and has won just as many Emmys. I liked it when I saw it a few times back in Chicago because of all the different travel destinations. I think I might try to get back into it.


Movies I'd like to see:
Bright Star - preparing to fall in love with Keats AGAIN
I Can Do Bad All By Myself - go, Tyler Perry! (might take V to a matinee while Mike's on call this weekend)
The Providence Effect
In Search of Beethoven
The Informant
Coco Before Chanel
Julie & Julia
Easy Virtue - Love those period films!
Summer Hours
Management
Away We Go
The Way We Get By
Motherhood
Where the Wild Things Are
The Boys (?) - The Clive Owen as widower movie

So interesting that there are so many docudramas, biographical adaptations etc. I think it goes to show that the events of life are indeed more fantastical than even the most creative mind could dream up?

The LA Fair

Los Angeles County Fair today! I walked; I ate; I learned.

1. Kids (baby goats) and lambs (baby sheep) look a LOT alike! Maybe that's why Jesus has to separate them. Can't tell them apart!  (I'm sure that this would be a useful sermon illustration for someone). 

2. Murano glass (that beautiful Venetian glass) was invented in 1300! The colored glass is created with mineral impurities, sand and fire...amazing.  (Much like how we are forged, no?)  I learned that factoid at the Millard Sheets building in the 30K Years of Art exhibit.  On Millard Sheets: over the past couple of years, I've come to appreciate his murals and mosaics...and also his drawing style - very stylized and quite architectural. Should really go for a driving tour of his work in downtown LA.

3. Dr. Bob's ice cream is the 2nd best ice cream in the world, according to National Geographic Best of Everything rating. The best is Handels. Dr. Bob's was sooooo good today. I had eggnog m...(some fancy Italian term) and dark chocolate. Server said I could find it at some Gelson locations in LA, and also Alicia's in Brea. Planning to pick up some at the Brea location. I wonder what other "best" categories National Geographic has rated. Will need to look it up and get back to you!

4. I really really value making small talk strangers, getting to know people, laughing with good friends. I very much appreciate people as social beings and find the social order beautiful.

Was really proud of myself for getting out the door with completely packed diaper bag and fully dress Vera by 8AM this morning. Stopped for cash and disposable camera (ours broke), picked up friends and off we went to the Fair. It was a hot day but kept Vera cool by sprinkling water on her head and adjusting the shade on her stroller a thousand times.

Can't wait for next year's fair. Also can't wait 'til Vera gets a little older and can appreciate all the workshops and exhibits they have there. The LA Fair has such better exhibits than the OC Fair! The exhibits are truly worthy of a world-class city with some culture...like Chicago...it's what I'm used to and I guess why I was pleasantly surprised today (that something out here would meet my standards of culture) haha. There were art demonstrations and workshops in the Sheets building in a number of different media, a giant play area in the farm area with stacked bales of hay (looked like so much fun!) and much more.

Food wise, I had my second zucchini weini ever (first at the OC Fair this year, where it debuted) and got my two friends to eat one too. It's a great invention and totally takes my appreciation of corndogs to another level. Let's see...bought a container of chocolate bacon to try for the first time - my two cents: very rational concept (crispy/soft, salty/sweet etc.)...but just doesn't quite work. And of course, there was Dr. Brown's to top it all off :)

Purchases: 800 thread count queen sheet set for $20! Haven't checked to see if they are double-layered sheets, but a 400 thread count sheet set for $20 is still a great deal! Three bags of nuts for $10 - for in-laws. A sports-themed gag gift for my hubby's bday next week. 

I like fairs...all the different people and the resulting bustle, the novelty each and every year, the educational and cultural aspects. They're just wonderful. I hope Vera enjoys them as well!

Can't wait to get the disposable camera converted and see our pics!