Weekend Highlights

I suppose that the weekend's not over, so there might be a Part Deux to this.  

Highlights:

Mike and I attended a Marriage Conference hosted by our church on Friday evening and Saturday.  Because Vera hasn't been able to obtain an H1n1 vaccine yet, we thought better of putting her in childcare and asked my in-laws to watch her.  Highlight of Friday night was getting a full night of uninterrupted rest.  NIGHT OFF!!! WHOOHOO!  We were pleasanly surprised that Vera did just fine with her grandparents and even "sang" hymns with them late into the night.  She also slept 8 hours straight, which hasn't been happening at home...hmmm...  Mike says she was fine with them because she's very securely attached to me.  I was kinda thinking maybe a little sniffling for Momma would signal a secure attachment.  Either way, at least everyone survived in relatively fine shape.

We got home from church around 10pm on Friday and decided to snuggle for a bit before diving into our various hobbies.  We ended up falling fast asleep and woke up in the morning with hard, sticky pink streaks on our arms, face and all over the bed.  Turns out that the gum I was chewing when we jumped into bed had fallen out of my mouth during the night and smeared all over everything.  But get this!  While I meticulously (and painfully) plucked all the gum off of my arm and face, Mike, after showering, decided he'd just leave it on his arm...at least it was clean gum (?!!!).  He's fine with the fact that it will come off eventually, and he wears dress shirts that cover his arms to work anyway (again, ?!!!).  Therein, you have deep insight into our relationship and the differences that unite us.  I have to admit that this gesture is disgustingly poignant.

Our reactions to being home without Vera were also varied and interesting.  I kept picturing her here and there, with her big smiles and hysterical giggles.  I was saddened by the empty bottles on the counter.  My body felt empty without someone kicking and pulling at it.  I kept my voice down even though there was no one to wake up.  Mike said, "Honey, she'll be home tomorrow!  Enjoy the night!"  and seemed to relish his evening thoroughly.  Not that he didn't express any desire to be with our baby - I guess he's just better at appreciating the moment :)

The Marriage Conference was taught by Don and Jean McClure, who are great speakers and gifted, humorous teachers.  They gave very practical messages on Ephesians 5, which most everyone studies if they go to premarital counseling but almost no one practices due to its difficult calling.  After the conference, I told Don that he was so funny, and he explained that he lightens his teaching deliberately because so many couples are already so defeated in their relationships.  So true!  Here are some of my notes:

Session 1 - Eph. 5:15-21 The Role of the Holy Spirit

Our relationship with the Holy Spirit determines the quality of every other relationship.  A husband/wife/kid problem is actually a God problem, as it takes God to accomplish anything.  We fail if we expect our husband/wife/kid to fulfill us, because Scripture says that we are to be filled with the Holy Spirit.  Through the Spirit, we receive attributes we wouldn't otherwise be able to attain:

a) Joy - true joy comes only from God, not the perfect man, woman, child, job, house, car, bank account etc. 

b) Gratitude - true gratitude is what God grants a Christian.  It is seen in Jesus' ability to continually give thanks to the Father even though surrounded by hopelessness. 

c) Submission - submitting to each other is the opposite of getting our way.  The submissive attitude is to be determined to win together, and if not together, then we both lose.  

The natural, fallen, carnal nature cannot achieve these things, so we must stop accusing, blaming, looking to the other person.  Instead, take your problems up with the Lord, who is willing and able to give them to you.  Therefore, the filling of the Holy Spirit is not an additive to "make your life better"; rather, it is a prerequisite to making any relationship work.

Session 2 - Eph. 5:22-24  The Role of the Wife

To submit to the husband as to the Lord.  Why do we have to submit?  Actually, both man and woman have to submit to that from which they were derived, as a result of the Fall.  Woman to the man, and man to the soil/dust (notice how wrapped up men can become in their work).  

The woman's achievement of this submission HAS to be a miraculous work, because any fool can see that our husbands are not Christ.

What is the point then?  That we learn to trust God in His consistency, as we live our life filled with inconsistencies.  

God's sense of humor:  Women clearly have a much greater understanding of what is going on in the home and are often far more gifted in most areas than the man.  Women are also often more spiritually sensitive and attuned.  Humanly, it makes no sense that man should be the head of the household and that God should call him to lead and hold him accountable for it.  But this the process by which woman is conformed to Christ Jesus, who relinquished himself for mankind. 

There is power in submission.  Men Lead.  Women Influence.  

We are not to be man's servant, mother, nor the Holy Spirit in the man's head.  We are his wife, called to help him.  If we laugh/scoff at his every misstep, he will feel his position of leadership threatened, dig his feet in and stick to his errant plans out of fear and/or stubbornness.  If we stand beside him and offer support, he will turn to our influence when he needs help, because he is not threatened.  

Session 3 - Ephesians 5:25-29  The Role of the Husband

If we take a capitalistic view of life, then any material failing will destroy us.  Husbands  need to believe and act out the fact that the definition of life is: to be conformed to the life of Christ. 

Headship is NOT: Whatever man says, that's the way it is.  I have spoken; therefore let it be.  This is not how God treats us. 

Headship is: Servanthood as modeled by Christ - interceding, carrying burdens, choosing love over force in order to win the bride willingly.

a) Man SANCTIFIES his bride.  The marriage vow "and forsaking all others, I pledge thee my throth (fidelity)"  means that the bride surpasses everyone else in importance & preeminence.  The bride is "set apart" in her own realm.  The universe will be folded up one day and Christ will have only his Bride (the church).  Analogously, children, friends, relatives will all leave one day, and we will have our marriage.  There is a reason the bride walks down the aisle "passing" everyone else in importance: coworkers, friends, relatives, parents. 

b)  Man CLEANSES his bride.  Just as God does not motivate us by telling us continually where we fall short, man should not make his bride feel that she is just not "enough" for him (whether domestically, physically, sexually etc).  She will get lost in trying to be someone else or make it to "enough" and both of you lose who God made her to be.  With her husband, woman should feel just so loved, so cherished, so clean.

c) Man leads BY THE WORD.  Man is responsible and accountable before God for whether or not he leads his household.  Children can often tell whether the woman leads or the man leads a household, and there is a profound difference.  The Scripture says that man will present back to himself one day his work (just as Christ will), so invest in this work he is responsible to do in woman.  Scripture commands man to love the woman as his own body.  We never become angry with our body for needing daily maintenance and care, for needing satisfying food.  Man always find a way to achieve its needs.  This is no less true and necessary with regard to the bride's needs.  

Session 4 - Do You See This Woman?  Men's Session (this is based off of what Mike shared with me)

Women need to feel loved above all else. 
Figure out how she receives love and find a way, any way to JUST DO IT. 

Concept of maintenance.  Your wives need daily maintenance.  Things will not be in working order if you neglect their maintenance. 

Women often feel overwhelmed by their long to-do lists.  They REALLY appreciate it when you jump in and take responsibility for a few tasks.

*Funny story: After the break-out session, I asked Mike what they learned in the men's session.  He said, "Oh, to love your wife.  And I was thinking to myself, 'Man! I do all of that!  I'm GOOD!'" I rolled my eyes and said, "I'm DOOMED!!!"  Funny moment; we laughed. 

Session 5 - Practical Tips on Loving Your Husband.  Women's Session 

Top Needs of Women:

Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness (we care greatly about what is going on inside), Financial Support and Family Commitment.

Top Needs of Men:

Respect, Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship (take interest in their interests), Attractive Spouse (do the best we can), Domestic Support, Admiration (they still want to play hero).  Notice that conversation is not at the top of a man's list.  

How we choose to behave as wives and mothers speak loudly to all generations watching us.  We can either turn people toward or away from the Lord based solely based on how we treat our spouse and our children.  We must learn to be married and count the cost of our choices.  God stretches us not to break us, but to increase our faith.  1 Pe 3:1; Prov. 14:1; Prov 12:3; Ps. 37:25.

Top three issues that lead to divorce:

1) Finances - It doesn't matter who pays the bills (just bec/ man is head doesn't mean he has to do it).  What is important is that both people are aware of what the checkbook ledger looks like, so they can be equally frugal.  The key to this is communication and letting each other know what is going on re: finances.  It is helpful to set a dollar limit above which husband and wive need to consult with each other.  e.g. $50.  

2) Children - Wise old saying: The best thing you can do for your children is to love your husband.  Do NOT put husbands last.  Will be detrimental to all family relationships.  Do devotionals with children, because they will carry that with them forever.

3) Romantic/Physical Part - Be thankful, because without this, men probably wouldn't marry us (that's why it's so foolish to give it away before marriage for nothing).  Men physically require sex to feel healthy.  If we excel at one room in the house, let it be the bedroom.  Other women, who dress up for work every day, are competing with you for your husband.  Give them good reasons to want to come home every day.  Praise, don't punish your husbands.  Tell the Lord his faults, but tell him his good attributes.  Think of one compliment every day of your life for him.  If it's a really tough day, be thankful that he came home to you.  

Invest in your marriage because it will be returned to you; don't give up.  

Do it, don't just hear it. 

After the conference, we went to Costco and some other stores to pick up household necessities.  Funny story that Mike told me tonight (Sat.).  Vera started crying a couple of hours after falling asleep for the night.  He walked into her room and found her standing in her crib, wide awake.  He laid her back down and explained, 'Vera, you need to sleep or else you'll upset Mommy.'  Vera gave a gesture of acquiescence and went straight back to sleep.  My two cutie pies!