I Understand! (An Update to My Very First Post)

Some of you might be wondering what has happened since the first post, when I wrote about prenatal depression.  Well, to understand, let's go back.

Life of Luan...born in Shanghai...enjoyed a good early childhood (as early childhoods go)...immigrated to Chicago at age 6...became a Christian at 14...straight A student...Yale grad...married my college beau, also a solid Christian...moved to California...blissfully happy...

2004: Received a call from doc's office on Mike's birthday--toxic thyroid levels and elevated liver enzymes.  I remember thinking "this is not going to be good."  A month of blood tests, ultrasounds, xrays = Grave's Disease (own immune system revving up thyroid to a dangerous levels).

Allergic to thyroid suppressant drugs, so forced into radio iodine ablation (RAI)...docs afraid of thyroid storm/sudden death :(

2005 - Rollercoaster!  Hyper, hyper, hypo...hypo, really hypo, hyper.    Translates into panic attacks, panic attacks, depression, depression, panic attacks.  Lots of changing doses.  Felt like a yo-yo.  Thyroid levels sort of stablize in winter.

2006 - New job; fresh start.  In July, panic attack on a business flight due to new medication.  Became agoraphobic for almost a week! (never thought it would be me!).  Holter moniter, stress echocardiograms, more bloodwork etc.  Finally diagnosed with panic disorder.  Now scared to travel far from home.  It's a BIG issue for everyone.  Counseling & meds.

2008 - Still scared of flying but generally ok with traveling now.  Panic attacks have dissipated.  Find out that we're pregnant on May 7th!  Not feeling well, but hey, it's the first trimester.  At the very beginning of the second trimester, descend into severe, almost catatonic depression in the matter of one week.  Struggle with morbid obsessions.  Very strange because death/suicide/worse has not even crossed my mind since becoming a Christian.  Check myself into the psych ward.  Stay for four days.  Blood tests reveal issues were actually due to severe hypothyroidism (replacement hormone needs increases during pregnancy, and docs hadn't ramped up far enough).  Rest of pregnancy is SCARY.   Thank goodness for my family and for my God who hears our prayers!  Healthy baby Vera born after 1.5 hour  of non-medicated labor on Dec. 17th.  Very worthwhile end to a tough year.

2009 - Thyroid and mood monitored closely now.  Start having classic Postpartum onset OCD (how men think, I'm told haha).   I've probably had OCD all along.  Depression and panic attacks are probably only secondary/resulting states.  OCD itself is closely tied to thyroid.  Turns out, depressive/anxiety/OCD issues can persist even after severe hypothyroidism is rectified, especially in post-RAI patients.  It's well documented.  NOBODY TOLD ME! (one of my favorite expressions now)... but I'm telling you!  Thank God, severity and frequency have improved a hundred-fold after pregnancy!

Feeling sick? Feeling sad? Feeling crazy? Feeling scared?  I UNDERSTAND!  Have learned much about coping and living!  Will post lessons learned (mostly, the hard way) and tips in future!