Impressions from the Weekend

This is not a blog posting.  This is an impression of a blog posting! (get it?  it's what the Salon said to the painters who became the Impressionists...ok, dork moment over)

Saturday...

Hosted condo community's Moms' Group at the Oak Canyon Nature Center, which is one of my favorite places to stroll and relax.  Only two moms, two husbands and two babies came out of our six or seven families.  However, one of the families was new to the community, and I really liked them!  I taught Infant and Child Heimlich & CPR, which Mike made sure I got right by reading the UpToDate EMS protocols and looking into American Pediatric Association guidelines.  And he's right; it's not easy to get right! 

  

This was my 13-hour shift with Vera, since Mike was on call at Long Beach Memorial in L&D again.  Sometimes I get really exhausted by myself with her toward the end of the day, but Praise God that I was really energized all the way through!  I really enjoyed mama-daughter time with her and felt the time fly.

Motherhood is exhausting in and of itself, but it's doubly exhausting with OCD.  In fact, it's documented that most OCD sufferers are uncomfortable being left alone with small children.  There is always that haunting sense of some deficiency or inadequacy or evil in yourself that could destroy everything you care about, and which creates so much anxiety.  The disorder then entices you to neutralize those feelings/thoughts by engaging in mental (and with some OCD sufferers, physical) compulsions.  This can sometimes occupy your thoughts for most of the day!  The insidious thing is that the more you try to "undo" and gain certainty, the more anxious you get about the situation, and the more the OCD cycles.  I am currently feeling hopeful that I am coming to a true understanding and handle of this issue.

For me, I say to myself, "everyone has strange thoughts.  your brain just does not have enough serotonin (and probably never will) to clear them away as quickly...it's just harder for your brain to look away from the trainwreck...so you have to help it."  Thought-stopping methods, cognitive behavioral thought records (where you record all the evidence against the alarming thought), and trying actively to expose yourself to the source of the thoughts aren't very helpful for me.  In fact, I have read since finding this out that they can be detrimental by encouraging more focus on the triggers.  This is what helps me:

1.  I try to loosen up a little and say to myself "This thought makes me uncomfortable which would not happen if I were who I am accusing myself to be.  I don't want to be uncomfortable my whole life.  I'm making a conscious decision to think about something else...something concrete that I am looking forward to (this is why OCD is difficult to deal with when compounded by depression)...some person who I love and a prayer that I have been meaning to say for them..." 

2.  NEVER let myself get hungry, or else the anxiety ramps up with triggers the cycle.

3.  When I'm tired toward the end of the day and struggle a little, actually remind myself that I am just overtired and catch a catnap when I can.

4.  Take loads of Omegas - really helps smooth things out!
5.  Long walks, nature, people!  (these are the things brought me back from the "ledge" during my pregnancy)

Easier said than done day in and day out, but I'm making real headway I believe.  The one thing that I have learned from this trial is that there is literally ALWAYS another "what if" in life.  The only antidote to the very human problem of anxiety (within which OCD is a disorder) is faith.  Many people with OCD are paralyzed by, "what if it's not OCD" or other insidious questions.  The key is to believe "we're just going to have to live with that possibility."  Although most people don't struggle with this issue, we all look for absolute certainty in some areas of our lives - a certainty that may never come.  In order to be at peace with ourselves and our world, we need to be able to say, "no matter what, it's going to be ok."  And the only way to believe that it's going to be ok is to know that "He has the world...you and me, sister...the tiny little baby in His hands " (I sing this song to V almost every day).  Thus, faith is a necessary ingredient to the human experience. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah, so what did V and I do with the rest of our day?  We went shopping, of course!  We had tons of fun at Target.  Moneysavingmom.com has really helped me save and also live well!  In the end, I was really very happy with the number and quality of purchases I made for the amount of money I spent.  V got a new toy that leads her to manipulate knobs and keys and buttons in differents ways in order to get various animals to pop up...best part?  no batteries and annoying sounds!  She also bought three books: two in the Pookie series by Sandra Boynton (the mama pig is SO cool!) and Shake It Up Baby by Karen Katz, with babies of all different ethnicities dancing and playing music.  The rest of our buys were home necessities, but I treated myself to some cute hair clips :)  

Mike had a tough day...some very hard scenarios that he had to witness at the hospital.  I really appreciated that he wanted to decompress by talking about it.  I hope it helped him too (his coping skills usually involve distraction).

Sunday...

My week to teach Kindergarten Sunday School!  We had the Passover story.  There was a paper doorpost we colored, green paper bitter herbs, cotton balls for roast lamb, manila paper for matzo, musical instruments, singing and dancing with being freed.  I think I distracted them so much with the sights and sounds that when I asked them if they had questions about what God did, no one raised his hand (I would have been all over the teacher with questions!...but I may have told them that the little lamb went to heaven...)  For our craft, we made a suitcase out of a manila folder (I had cut a hole in the tab to resemble a suitcase handle).  We cut out clothes and toys to put inside the suitcase and stapled up the sides.  I had a GREAT time!

Had lunch with our dear friends, their darling little girls and the husband's brother at Wholesome Choice.  Love leisurely meals with amazing people.  

The rest of the day was spent at home having fun.  Made this concoction of turkey bacon layered on top of organic mac and cheese...layered on top of mashed potatoes...layered on top of sauteed spinach, mushrooms & garlic for dinner.  Mike liked it; he likes the crazy stuff I do...and it's a good thing because there is a lot of crazy!  When he tells me that he really likes something I make, I write it down in my recipe journal and place a star  "M" next to it :)

Mike has the day off tomorrow (not sure why they gave him Yom Kippur off...), so we're going to try and go apple picking in Oak Glen.  Can't wait to get pics of my pumpkin with the pumpkins!